In A Sea of Confusion and Anxiety, Except It’s In Fact A Storm
— From Dayo, as she experiences and learns. Welcome to The Mind Palace!
On Sunday, I wished I knew everything. Everything about life, everything ending from the start so I don’t make a mistake— but not just any mistake, a fatal, colossal, consequence-never-ending mistake. I even wrote a poem about it, the desire was that strong.
But I don’t and would never so I chose to rest in the fact that there are things I would never know and some I would never know I don’t know and I don’t need to know all only because I know the One who knows all.
There.
But it’s Wednesday, and within the 3-day period, I read someone’s story on his becoming a man (lol just this morning) and a friend gave me a 30 min talk advising me to pray for my future because ‘there is a way that seemeth right to man but the end thereof is death’. Man.
There’s even a Yoruba song (by Wuraola, “Wasiu Ayinde’s predecessor”) that says some are meant to be doctors, some cleaners, some teachers, engineers but we humans do whatever seems good or brings money (in the nearest future). For someone whose brain is currently scrambled as to what course to study for grad school, whether grad school is in fact what I should do, just learn skills as per apprenticeship, or marry now (lol), that song adds salt to the situation. A daunting situation. Daunting is not even the word. Add in 3 gallons of confusion and 2 tablespoons of anxiety, and you have an apt description.
I know what I want but is what I want good for me? Is what I want what I should indeed end up doing? Is that even what I want or am I just thinking from a finite set of options? Man.
Then add that I’ve been pursuing my ambitions at the expense of my relationship with God. *Internal scream of frustration*.
Source: Photo by Renzo Vanden Bussche on Unsplash
Up on till now, the decisions I’ve made have been of less significance — assumption: no compound effect of prior choices, you still have the power to change friends and relationships — but I will be on my own soon, for the most part, and what I do affects me to an amplified extent neither do I have someone who can easily rectify my poor choices (not that I’ve made enough in my life. If you know my age, that will be understandable).
I can easily flush down these thoughts with a ‘you’re stressing too much’ but it’s that deep.
Sigh. I have to pray, think, pray, then just act.
Only then will my confusion and anxiety ebb away.
P.S: If this post made you anxious, please know that it’s okay to not know what next but to take it one day at a time. I will take it up with a Friend, you can do the same. Meditate, whatever, just take it one day at a time. I know I will be taking my advice :)
Until next time,
Dayo
Edit: Related Quote
From 3–2–1 newsletter by James Clear, author of Atomic Habits:
“Many situations in life are similar to going on a hike: the view changes once you start walking.
You don’t need all the answers right now. New paths will reveal themselves if you have the courage to get started.”
I sure as hell don’t want to get started on the wrong path.
